Put It On Everything Avocado Dressing

This avocado dressing was supposed to be a homemade replication of the Trader Joes Goddess dressing… but a few things happened. #1 we are in the middle of a global pandemic and I couldn’t find basil. #2 I am half Mexican and it felt wrong mixing together avocado with lemon, basil, and parsley with absolutely no cilantro or lime. I might look like your average white boy… but I am not lemon and avocado white. ( calm down, I know lemon and avocado are actually quite tasty too).

Anyways, enough with the bullshit and onto the recipe:

Ingredients:

1 avocado 

1 cup cilantro 

Juice from 1 and 1/2 limes 

2 Tbs apple cider vinegar 

2 cloves garlic 

1 green onion 

1/2 cup olive oil 

1 cup water 

1-2 tsp. Salt… season to taste. Start with one tsp, taste it and add more if necessary.

Step 1:

Place avocado, onion, garlic, cilantro, lime juice, vinegar, and salt into a food processor. Pulse until smooth.

Step 2

Slowly pour in water while the processor is running.

Step 3

Do the same with the olive oil.

This is what the final consistency looks like. It is decently thick… ( that’s what she said?) Kind of like a ranch consistency. Adjust seasonings as needed. Add more salt or more lime juice to your liking. This makes about 2 cups of dressing.

If you are new to cooking it might seem scary to not have exact amounts of salt or etc. but that is why it is important to taste as you go. The more you cook, the more you will find that recipes are up for interpretation.

This dressing goes well on salads, but can also go well with pretty much anything. I put it on chicken, fish, shrimp, etc. Go wild.

Let me know if you give this recipe a try. I know times are a bit tough right now and more of you are cooking from home so I want to make more of an effort to get more simple recipes out to you.

Stay safe!

Roast Your Own Damn Chicken

If you are tired of paying $10.00+ for two chicken breasts, or tired of just chicken breast in general, roasting your own chicken can be a good way to save money, add in some variety, and cook enough for a few meals all at once. ( or enough for a family, i’m single though so this was around 4 meals for me. ) A whole chicken only cost me $9.33 and it is the perfect time of year to roast up some delicious root veggies with it so everything is done all at once. If you want to go the extra mile you can even use the carcass to make chicken stock. If that is getting too Martha Stewart for you, thats okay you can skip it. Or hell, if you don’t want to cook and have all the money, buy all this shit from whole foods. Why are you still reading this?

Ingredients:

1 whole chicken

Carrots ( it depends on the size but I used 3 )

Turnips ( I only used one )

Rutabaga ( I used half of a massive one )

Parsnips ( I used two, but kinda wish I used 3 )

1/2 yellow onion

4 whole garlic cloves

Avocado or Olive Oil

Salt and Pepper

Compound Ghee

1/4 cup ghee ( you can use butter, all I had was ghee but ghee is also a great choice as it doesn’t burn during the roasting process, and it is lactose free )

Fresh herbs: Rosemary, Thyme, Sage

1/2 tsp. Salt

STEP ONE

Peel and dice veggies ( didn’t peel the carrots though) Keep them all relatively the same size. I did a large dice so that they didn’t cook too quickly as the chicken takes about an hour in the oven. Remove the skin from the garlic cloves and throw them in whole with the veggies. ( roasted garlic is sweet and delicious but also gives off an amazing aroma ).

Toss the veggies with a little bit of oil and season well with salt and pepper. You don’t need a whole lot of oil because the ghee and drippings from the chicken will melt and drop down and coat the veggies.

STEP TWO

Place 1/4 cup of ghee in a small cup or bowl, and finely chop fresh herbs.

Mix the herbs and salt into the ghee and mix well with a fork. I just took the ghee and rolled it out on my cutting board to form a log, and then cut it into smaller pieces to stick under the skin of the chicken.

Now you will want to stick your fingers under the skin of the chicken breast to separate it so there is room for the ghee. This will feel very naughty. Embrace it.

As you can see, the ghee is nicely placed underneath the skin. This will keep the breast nice and moist. Now drizzle a little oil all over the bird and season generously with salt and pepper and extra herbs if you wish.

Place in the oven at 375 Degrees Fahrenheit for 30 minutes. Rotate chicken at 30 minutes and let cook for about another 30. You will want a meat thermometer for this so that you don’t over or undercook your bird. Pull the chicken from the oven when it reaches an internal temperature of 165 degrees F.

Dinner is served.

All done! It’s pretty straightforward. You can’t really mess it up, but if you do that’s okay. You will get it next time!

Gluten Free Meatballs

I like my balls gluten free. Unfortunately gluten doesn’t settle too well with me. I know, I am one of those crazy persons who thinks gluten is the devil. I truly don’t, I just feel better when I avoid gluten and dairy. You may have noticed all of my recipes are gluten and dairy free. This isn’t to say they will always be because sometimes it is worth the stomach ache. But for now, enjoy my balls.

Ingredients

• 2 lbs ground beef

• 3 tsp. salt

• 1 tsp. pepper

• 2 tsp. dried thyme

• 2 tsp. dried basil

• 2 tsp. oregano

• 3 cloves garlic, minced

• 3 eggs

Instructions

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.

• Place all ingredients together in a large mixing bowl.

• Mix together well until the meat comes together enough to form into balls. ( Might take a bit for the meat to absorb all of the egg. Keep mixing ).

• Form into golf ball sized balls and place on sheet pan.

• Place in oven for about 10-15 minutes.

These pair well with spaghetti squash and the easy tomato sauce recipe.

Easy Homemade Tomato Sauce

Sometimes it can be hard to find pre-made tomato sauce without there being sugar or other questionable ingredients in it. The good news is that it is actually pretty easy to make yourself. Everyone should try homemade at least once.

Ingredients

• Few springs of fresh rosemary, minced

• Few springs of fresh thyme, minced

• 3 cloves of garlic, minced

• 1 onion, diced

• 1 bunch of fresh basil, chopped

• 1 jar of crushed tomatoes

• 1 jar of whole peeled tomatoes

• 1 tsp. smoked paprika

• 1 tsp. red pepper flakes

• olive oil

• salt and pepper to taste

Directions

Heat pan over medium high heat.

Add olive oil to the pan.

Add diced onion and stir. Sautee until translucent.

Add rosemary, thyme, and garlic. Stir and then add smoked paprika and red pepper flakes.

Saute for about a minute and then add in your jars of tomato and chopped basil. 

Salt and pepper to taste.

Let simmer on low heat covered for about 15 minutes.

Adjust seasoning to taste and enjoy! 

Tomatillo Sauce

Chicken can get boring fast. It is a bit of a blank canvas in that it doesn’t have a whole lot of fat or flavor like beef does. This is why changing up spices and sauces can be super important. There is a lot of wiggle room to play around with when it comes to chicken breast. It doesn’t have to be boring it just needs a bit of enhancement. Sauces are like the push-up bras for chicken breasts.

Ingredients

• 1 lb of tomatillos

• 2 onions, sliced

• 3 cloves of garlic

• cilantro

• juice from 1/2 lime

• 1/2 bunch of cilantro

Procedure

1. Remove skins from tomatillos and dice. Place on a sheet pan along with the sliced onion, garlic. ( I placed my chicken on top of this mixture because it is quicker and you get the the juices of the chicken in the sauce as well ).

2. Roast in the oven for about 25 minutes or until onions are sweet and caramelized.

3. Place all ingredients in a food processor and pulse smooth.

4. Adjust seasonings and serve with whatever you desire.

Bean-less Chili

I am not from Texas, I just prefer not to fart as much. Hence— bean-less chili. I have however, substituted the beans for butternut squash because it is fall and winter squash is all the rage right now. Gives you a bit of the creamy texture you get from beans without having to blame it on the dog later. Enjoy!

Ingredients

• 1 butternut squash, diced

• 2 lbs grass fed ground beef

• 1 onion, diced

• 3 carrots, diced

• 3 stalks of celery, diced

• 2 Anaheim peppers, seeds removed, diced.

• 3 cloves garlic, minced

• 2 Tbs. Tomato paste

• 1 Tbs. ground Cumin

• 2 tsp. oregano

• 2 tsp. smoked paprika

• 1/3 cup chili powder

• 2 cans or jars of tomato sauce

• 1/2 cup beef broth

• salt to taste

• pepper to taste

• cilantro for garnish

Procedure

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

1. Peel and dice butternut squash, toss with oil, salt, pepper, and place in oven for about 25 minutes or until tender.

2. Sauté ground beef in a large pot over medium-high heat

3. add in onion, celery, carrots, peppers, and garlic. Stir.

4. Add the rest of the spices to the mixture and season with salt and pepper.

5. Add in tomato paste and sauté with the rest of the ingredients.

6. Stir in tomato sauce, and beef broth. ( You can add more or less depending on how thick you want your chili. ) Season to taste with salt and pepper and stir in the roasted butternut squash. Serve garnished with fresh chopped cilantro.

Walnut Pesto ( Dairy Free )

Pesto tastes amazing with pretty much anything. If you are sensitive to dairy like me, then eating pesto can be a “worth it” experience. (When you have all the gas or shits but still find it worth the deliciousness. )

Pesto no longer has to be a worth it experience. You can get all the deliciousness without the upset stomach. This recipe is sans the parmesan cheese. If you really want it still, you can add it in but I suggest giving it a try without first. I use it on chicken, beef… etc. Basically whatever your heart desires. Enjoy!

Walnut Pesto Recipe

Ingredients:

• 1 bunch of fresh Basil

• 4 cloves of garlic

• Juice of 1 lemon

• 1/2 cup of Walnuts ( raw/unsalted)

• about 1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil

• Salt

Directions:

Place Garlic and salt the food processor. Pulse until minced.

Add basil and walnuts. Pulse.

Stream in olive oil until it reaches a sauce like consistency

Add lemon juice. Pulse.

Season to taste. 

Strawberries and Cream

I don’t make dessert recipes often, so enjoy this one as you may not see another one for some time. It isn’t “guilt-free” but it is basically like pre-marital foreplay. It is a bit lower in fat and sugar so it doesn’t count right?

INGREDIENTS SERVES 4

4 cups of strawberries
2 cups of part skim ricotta

1/4 cup of sugar
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1 cup balsamic vinegar 1/4 cup sugar
1/2 cup roasted hazelnuts 2 tbs bee pollen
Fresh Basil and Bee Pollen for garnish if you want to get fancy.

DIRECTIONS

Place ricotta, sugar, and vanilla extract in food processor.
Process until until smooth.
Take one cup of vinegar and 1/4 cup of sugar and combine in a saucepan. Bring to a boil then reduce heat to let it simmer and reduce. Cool immediately. Should be a syrup like consistency when cooled.

Serve with ricotta mix on the bottom, topped with strawberries, roasted hazelnuts, balsamic syrup, bee pollen, and basil.

Butternut Squash Soup

It is hot as balls outside and it is definitely not soup season but fall will be here before we know it. Maybe you will be up for trying a new recipe by the time fall comes around. This recipe is a little different than your average butternut recipe so here ya go. The formatting on the ingredients list is weird. I don’t know what happened but just ignore the extra spaces.

Ingredients

1 sweet onion, diced
2 apples peeled, diced
2 tbs coconut oil
2 small butternut squash, roasted
2 cans reduced fat coconut milk
2 tbs candied ginger, pulsed fine in food processor

1 tsp nutmeg

1 tsp. curry powder
1 tbs chopped sage
salt
pepper

Directions

Preheat Oven to 375 degrees F.
Cut squash in half lengthwise, clean out seeds and place on sheet pan skin side up. Roast for about 30-45 minutes until fork tender. When it is cool enough peel off the skin from the squash or scoop out with a spoon.

Sauté apples and onions in coconut oil until tender. Add the sage, nutmeg, curry powder, and squash. Sautee for a minute breaking up the squash as much as possible.
Pulse two tablespoons of candied ginger in food processor and add to the pot.
Add coconut milk and blend with a hand blender until smooth.

Add in the chicken stock and continue to blend. Season to taste with salt and pepper.

Chicken Tortilla Soup

For a no bullshit recipe, this one actually contains a fair amount of ingredients. Don’t let it intimidate you though I promise you it is still easy and worth the overwhelming list of ingredients. I used to joke that Mexican food wasn’t authentic unless it gave you diarrhea. I still kind of stand by that… but as long as you cook that chicken right, you can spare yourself the symptoms of authenticity.

INGREDIENTS

For the Chicken
2 Boneless skinless chicken breasts smoked paprika
Cumin
Chili powder


For The Soup

1 Yellow onion, diced
1 Jalapeño, seeded and diced
4 cloves of garlic, minced
1 1/2 cups diced red/yellow/green bell pepper 1 TBL tomato paste
Juice from one lime
1 TBL Oregano
1 TBL Cumin
2 TBL Chili Powder
2 Cups of Corn
1 Quart of Chicken Stock
2 14.5oz cans of fire roasted tomatoes
1/2 bunch of cilantro
Tortilla chips

Avocado
Cojita cheese

DIRECTIONS:

Preheat oven to 365 degrees F.
Season both sides of chicken evenly with salt, smoked paprika, chili powder, and cumin.
Sear on both sides and finish in the oven until it reaches an internal temperature of 365 degrees F. Or about 15 minutes. Set aside.

Sauté onions, bell pepper and garlic until soft. Add in the tomato paste, cumin, oregano, and chili powder. Sauté for 1 minute.
Add the fire roasted tomatoes, and then the chicken stock.
Add in the corn, chicken, and Cilantro

Season to taste 


Garnish with tortilla chips, avocado and cojita cheese.

Welcome

Welcome to The Shit You Will Actually Cook blog.

Here is where I will be posting recipes from now on. And by recipes I don’t mean long blog posts about my kids, dogs, and laundry with a recipe hidden down at the bottom. I plan to just get to the point, skip the shit you don’t actually care about and give you the recipe you are looking for from the start. There is a time and a place for fluff but this ain’t it. I just want to give you easy straight forward recipes that you will actually cook. Hence the name of the blog and the book. Life is too short, cooking shouldn’t be that hard and finding and actual recipe without reading about someones kids and choice of laundry detergent shouldn’t be either.

If you are sensitive to cursing and an overall cynical outlook on life, this blog might not be for you. I am no doubt a cynical bastard and won’t waste your time romanticizing cooking unless cleaning up dishes after really turns you on. Dishes will be at a minimum here, ( at least that is the goal ) . We will focus less on how to make the perfect gnocchi, the perfect pie crust, the perfect fluffy pancakes and will focus more on throwing perfection out the fucking window and cooking what is quick and healthy. The lack of straight forward cooking is what sends people to Mcdonalds for dinner. It is time we get away from that shit. Let’s cook.